Hagane no Parody
by Descendant of Truth
Summary: After yet another failed attempt at Necromancy, Ed finds himself working with Colonel Roy Mustang, a miniskirt fanatic with pyromaniac tendencies, to get his brother's body back. Along the way, they meet the Homunculi, an evil race of artificially created beings with regenerative powers, near-immortality, and absolutely no common sense. Rated T for blood and violence.


**DISCLAIMER: I do not own FMA.**

* * *

In a small house on the countryside, a young, blonde-haired boy was relishing in his newest victory. Unfortunately, it wasn't actually a victory at all; there was lightning flashing everywhere, the alchemic circle on the ground was glowing ferociously, and everything had inexplicably become dark outside. Not to mention the fact that the boy was also missing a leg and had yet to receive proper treatment. However, the young boy utterly failed to notice these as signs of a tragedy.

"Yes… it's… it's _working!_ " the boy exclaimed. "I mean, sure, my leg seems to be missing and I'm probably losing more blood than is actually healthy for me, but it's all just proof of my _genius._ Right, Al?" Upon receiving no answer from his little brother, he began looking around, a little confused. "Al?" he called out.

Then he realized his mistake. "…Crap."

* * *

"May all who hear this know that thy art children of God," came the scratchy voice of the radio that was conveniently placed directly above his head. "That's right, folks! Your parents aren't actually your parents at all, for it was the Sun God that actually created you. If that isn't a plothole in reality, nothing is! PRAISE THE LORD, WE ARE NOT A CULT!"

"Can someone _please_ turn that thing off?!" a certain blonde-haired teenager yelled in frustration. The merchant standing on the other side of the counter gave him an incredulous look.

"No way, man! I love being told that who I thought were my parents weren't actually my parents and I was being raised wrong my entire life! How can you not love this?!" he demanded. "What are you, some kind of street performer?!" The teenager suddenly started choking on his drink, and in his panic, catapulted the cup he was holding into midair, wishing silently that it would land on the merchant's head and distract him from saying any more than he already had. After a few moments, the teenager finally collected himself with the help of a large armored man next to him.

"Listen here, you!" he finally managed to shout. "If I was a street performer, I'd be performing on the street, not sitting here drinking whatever the heck _that_ was supposed to be!" Before anyone could reply to that, a sudden _crash_ was heard above them, followed by the dripping sound of whatever the teenager had been drinking before. (He personally thought it was orange juice, but he had learned to doubt anything and everything that was given to him by the public.)

The crash, upon a brief investigation, turned out to be caused by the falling cup he had thrown into the air earlier, and it had landed on the radio that had been broadcasting information about a Sun God. The radio, much to the teenager's delight, was now crippled on the floor.

"NOW LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE, CREEP!" the merchant yelled. "YOU BROKE MY FAVORITE MAGIC TALKING BOX! YOU BETTER FIX IT!" The teenager gave him a defiant look.

"You can't expect me to fix something so annoying—!"

"Don't worry, sir, I'll fix it," a new voice interrupted. It came from the large armored man, although his voice was surprisingly high and young sounding for someone of that stature. He squatted and started drawing on the ground around the crippled "magic talking box." Once the armored man was finished drawing, he stood up and placed his arms above the fancy circle he had drawn. There was a sudden flash of light, and then suddenly, the radio was fixed! Everyone's eyes widened in shock.

"WHOA, YOU CAN MAKE MIRACLES?!" the merchant shouted. The teenager gave him a look.

"He can make what now?" he said.

"You know—miracles. Like how the Leto, the Sun God, makes miracles? It's magic 101, kid." He replied like it was the most obvious thing in the world. The teenager suddenly got a smug look on his face.

"Really, now? Well, actually, he's an _alchemist_ , not a magician," he explained, "And I'm more of a Necro—"

"He's _also_ an alchemist," the armored man interrupted once again, knowing all too well that the teenager's statement was going to get them into trouble. "We're the Elric brothers. You know, the arguably famous ones?" At this, everyone in the general vicinity looked up at the "arguably famous" people. Suddenly, people were shouting about how they had heard of them before. This, in the teenager's mind, seemed obvious; they had _just_ said that they were arguably famous, of course they all knew him!

"THAT'S RIGHT!" they yelled, "THE ELDEST ELRIC BROTHER IS A STATE ALCHEMIST! PRAISE THE LORD!"

"I thought Leto, the Sun God, was your Lord?" the one in armor asked, utterly befuddled at this statement.

"NAH, YOU CAN BE OUR LORD NOW, FULLMETAL STATE ALCHEMIST!" they shouted back. At this, a spark of anger started to rise in the teenager, and a spark of exasperation rose in the armored Elric.

"Um, first of all, that's not very loyal to your religion, and second of all, I'm not actually the Fullmetal Alchemist…" the armored one said.

"Ehh? What are you talking about?!" they demanded. "Of course you're the Fullmetal Alchemist! You're clearly the older one, and you wear metal!"

"No, no, no, I'm the younger one, honest!" the armored Elric hastily tried to explain. "I can prove it by saying that my name isn't Edward!"

"It's true," the blonde Elric agreed, "The Fullmetal Alchemist is me, Edward Elric!" Why was this so hard for people to understand?

"Nah, he can't be the older one, he's too tiny—"

"CALL ME A FLEA-SIZED ANT ONE MORE TIME AND I SWEAR I'LL WHIP OUT THE VERY _EXTENT_ OF MY NECROMANCER ABILITIES ON THE ENTIRE _CITY!_ " Edward screeched at the top of his lungs.

"Um, brother…" the younger Elric warned. "I don't think that was a wise course of action…"

"Oh, Al," he replied, shaking his head in disappointment, "the word "tiny", by definition, is a word used only by terrible people who deserve to die, unless they wish on a star three times in a row before dawn comes. Only, it's already dawn, so unfortunately…"

"HE'S A WITCH!" the people suddenly cried, "SOMEONE BRING THE STAKE! _DEATH_ TO THE FULLMETAL NECRO-WITCH!"

"Well," Edward commented, " _that_ didn't go as planned."

"RUN!" Al shouted. And run they did. As fast as someone can run when they're being chased by insane, witch-hunting townsfolk.

* * *

A young, pink-and-black haired girl excitedly ran up to an old man—the same old man, if fact, who had been broadcasting about a Sun God. By now, of course, he had finished his broadcast and turned around to see the girl.

"Ah, Rose`! There you are. Now where were you until just now, hmm?" he asked, smiling widely.

"Oh, you know—just the usual," she replied. "There was some commotion in the plaza about a witch, but from what I could see, the guy was too short to cause any real damage."

Elsewhere, Edward suddenly felt himself die a little inside.

"So, do you think that God has been observing what great service I give to the people?" Rose` asked.

"Oh, uh… sure!" the old man replied, suddenly seeming a little less composed. "I'm sure God really appreciates how you've been going around, hacking up every plush toy you see!"

"Well, he should! You told me that dolls, plush or otherwise, were demonic and planned to destroy us all! And you're the voice of God, so clearly, it must be true." She agreed.

"Yes, yes, you're, um… you're a good girl, Rose`," was all that he could think to say. He sighed. Having everything you say be interpreted as God's will was troublesome at times; he had just been joking about the dolls thing, but now, it seemed that Rose` was taking it a _bit_ too seriously.

"Thanks! I'll be off now," she said, and the old man silently thanked all that was holy that she hadn't found out about his plush doll collection yet.

* * *

Edward was panting heavily. It had taken them an absurd amount of time to lose the witch-hunters, and at that point, he began to wonder if all that running was worth it. He told Al about these concerns, to which all he had to say was, "Well, would you prefer to be burning alive right now?" Such an event might prove useful to studying Necromancy, now that Edward was thinking about it, but he decided that he would have to save it for some other time.

"WHO ARE YOU AND HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE WITHOUT ME NOTICING?!" a feminine voice suddenly shouted, snapping them out of their thoughts.

"We come in peace!" Al cried, "I'm just trying to get my brother here out of the way of a deep misunderstanding." Upon hearing this, the girl, Rose`, softened her facial expression and dropped the rake she was holding as a battle weapon.

"Oh, okay, then. Do you want me to convert you to my religion, or are you already part of it?" she asked, in an almost uncharacteristically kind voice. Al got the impression that she was secretly very sinister, but decided not to mention it.

"Are you a secretly sinister person?" Edward, of course. Rose` gave him a look that could kill in response. Edward winced. "Okay, okay, sure, fine, whatever! Just stop looking at me like that!" Rose` smiled sweetly at his newfound obedience.

"So? What about my question?" she pressured. Edward rolled his eyes and Al let out an exasperated sigh. He already knew that his big brother doomed just from that look.

"Meh. No to both parts of that question; we're atheists." Edward explained. He was trying to be nice. Unfortunately, Edward had learned that any attempt to be nice would only backlash in some manner.

"NO!" Rose` screeched. _Called it_ , he thought mentally. "You can't be atheists! That's against my religion!"

" _Really?_ " Edward replied sarcastically. Al mentally prepared himself for the end of the universe before he heard the next part of that statement. "A religion that prevents _atheism?_ NO WAY. There's a religion that _does_ that?"

"Yes. Yes there is. Now start praying to God, it'll bring people back to life!" Rose` demanded. Edward laughed.

"Lady, I'm a _scientist._ " He pointed out.

"I thought you were a Nec… you know," Al pointed out, trying to keep himself from saying the word "Necromancer" out loud. While he himself didn't believe that his older brother was a Necromancer, that was certainly what he _thought_ he was, and hearing him say otherwise was astonishing, to say the least.

"Same thing. Now anyways, scientists do _much_ cooler things than simply waiting for something to happen—"

"Brother, I don't think you should be _deliberately_ trying to offend her by saying mean things about her religion. It's what _she_ believes, and we haven't even done as much as ask for a name!" Al interrupted desperately. Then he turned to Rose`. "I'm Alphonse Elric, and this is my brother, Edward."

"Shut up, Al. Now, personally," Edward said, turning his attention back to Rose`, "I think we _scientists_ are as close to Gods as people are gonna get. See, it's funny because we're atheists."

At this point, Rose` was seriously considering killing the blonde boy right then and there, but she refrained herself. Barely. And only because she feared that it was against her religion to do so.

"Um, brother, I think we should go now…" Al whispered.

"Yeah, yeah, sure. Whatever," Edward replied.

* * *

The old man from before was now on a stage in the middle of the city, surrounded by people. With a flash of light, he transformed one flower into another, bigger flower, earning him an unreasonable amount of cheering. Edward stood on a briefcase in the back of the crowd with Alphonse, watching with displeasure.

"Oh, hurray, _you two_ are here," came Rosé's (extremely sarcastic) voice behind them. "See? I _told_ you! _Miracles._ "

"You didn't tell us anything about miracles…" Al pointed out.

"They're still miracles." Rose` insisted.

"Nah, that looks more like Al's alchemy," Edward speculated.

"It looks like your alchemy, too, brother…" Al said, exasperated.

"Except for, you know, the part where he ignores the law." Ed commented.

"Which law?" Rose` asked, befuddled. Al took a deep breath. Explaining this was going to be hard.

"Well, you have four elements, a circle, and some chalk, and what you do is the following: You use three standard, incredibly vague principles, four elements in each circle, divide that by "X" to the third power, apply that to the element you're using, move your hands around in a really silly (yet totally epic) fashion above the circle, think really hard about something insignificant, and then, _boom!_ Alchemy." Noticing the stare he was receiving from Rose`, he decided to clarify a little bit. "See, you use the chalk to draw the circle. Any other questions?"

"Just one, yeah: _what the heck are you even talking about?!_ " she demanded.

"Basically, what he's trying to say is that in order to change one thing into something else, both things need to have the same element and something of equal value must be lost." Edward explained.

"Don't forget to divide by "X" to the third power," Al emphasized, "It's _kind_ of important."

"Oh, yeah, and you do that, too, I guess." Edward clarified. Rose` stared some more.

"I heard nothing even remotely resembling that in his explanation. Except for the division part." She replied.

"Meh. I've learned to translate," Edward said. Alphonse nudged his shoulder, a sign that he wanted Edward to pay attention to something. " _What is it, Al?!_ " he demanded, annoyed at Al's lack of communication.

"Brother, I think we should interview that guy over there. You know, the one that's ignoring the law? That ring on his hand might be the thing we're looking for," Al explained. Edward considered this for a moment.

"…Fine," he agreed, albeit grudgingly. "Alright then, miss. Take us to that guy!"

"You mean the Founder?" she asked.

"Yeah, that guy. Take us to him. Please." He added as an afterthought. Rose` was unreasonably delighted.

"YOU MEAN YOU'RE GOING TO LET US CONVERT YOU TO LETOISM?!" she cried.

"Uh… _yeah_ ," Edward agreed awkwardly, "This is _totally_ because I'm interested in the religion I was endlessly criticizing earlier!"

"Don't push it, Brother…" Al warned.

* * *

"Sir, there are two "Elric brothers" wishing to interview you," a random security officer said to the old man, who now sitting in his office. "One of them is a tiny blonde kid and the other is a really tall armored man. Do you wish to speak with them?" The old man waved his hand in a dismissing fashion.

"Nah, I don't have time for tha—DID YOU SAY A TINY BLONDE KID?!" he demanded suddenly.

"Um… yes, sir, his hair was in a braid. And he was definitely very small. Is he significant?" the security officer asked.

"OF COURSE HE'S SIGNIFICANT! He's the Fullmetal Alchemist! He got his State Alchemist license when he was _twelve years old!_ This would be a dream come true if I weren't so evil! BRING HIM IN!" he shouted. "Oh, and make sure you kill them, too, alright? I don't want to seem suspicious."

"Uh, yeah. Whatever you say, sir." The security officer replied.

* * *

After waiting for what felt like an hour but was, in reality, roughly five minutes, Edward and Al finally were escorted to the old man's office. Edward was feeling extremely proud of himself for getting Rose` to take them there, but Al seemed to think that he was being "rude" or something. Sure, he had to threaten the guy in order to get an interview scheduled, but he'd gotten in scheduled either way, hadn't he?

As he was contemplating this, the random security officer that had been assigned to take them to the old man suddenly stopped.

"Um, sir?" Al inquired. "Is something wrong? I don't think we're there yet." Of course, Al _did_ consider the possibility that their escort was either evil or prone to hallucinations, which would explain why he seemed to think they were already there. Growing up with Edward had taught him to expect the unexpected, although some deemed him to be "outright paranoid." Still, he thought it was best to check, just to be sure.

"Oh, nothing, kind sir," the security officer replied. "I just couldn't help but notice you seemed a bit… _lightheaded_." And with that, he promptly pointed a gun at Al's head and fired, knocking his head clean off in the process. The security officer laughed maniacally. "Get it?! _Lightheaded?!_ Because he has no head anymore?! Aw, I crack myself up!"

Naturally, Rose` screamed. A lot. In fact, she was screaming so much that Edward had to use every ounce of self-control to keep himself from slapping her. Otherwise, though, Edward was relatively calm about the fact that his brother's head had just been blown off.

"Well, Brother, looks like my intuition was right," came Al's voice suddenly, "he really _was_ evil. Full of one-liners and everything."

"Oh, be quiet, you." Edward replied.

Now it was the security officer's turn to scream. Unfortunately, Rose` hadn't stopped screaming either, so the din was starting to become just a _little_ intolerable for Edward.

"EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP!" Edward yelled, and the two almost immediately stopped screaming. Unfortunately, this gave the surrounding guards (who had appeared out of nowhere, by the way) the chance to block his way with spears.

"Can someone PLEASE explain what's going on here?!" Rose` yelled.

"These guys are here to bring down our religion!" the random security officer yelled. "Also, apparently, this guy is just a suit of armor for… some reason." He added.

"We're not trying to take town your religion!" Al protested. "…Well, okay, maybe _Ed_ is, but that's just how he responds to any religion. I doubt it's anything personal. But _I'm_ not trying to destroy it!"

" _Of course it's something personal, tin-head!_ " Ed shouted before proceeding to punch one of the guards out of the way, flipping the other one over his shoulder. Al just stared in awe.

"…Okay, so maybe it was something personal after all." He commented.

After a brief amount of fighting off the other guards who appeared out of nowhere as well as their murderous escort, they decided to start hunting down the "Founder" person. But not before Ed suddenly had a brilliant idea.

"Hey, guys! I just thought of something. Lady, get in the armor." He demanded.

" _WHAT?!_ " Al and Rose` exclaimed in unison.

"I'm not going in _there!_ " Rose` protested, "It's probably freezing!"

"Not to mention the fact that it would just be flat-out _creepy!_ " Al agreed. "Besides, what if she does something to mess up the blood seal?! I'd be history!"

"The blood what now?" Rose` asked, starting to feel like this entire day couldn't get any weirder.

"Quit being a crybaby and do it already!" Ed complained, ignoring Rosé's question completely.

"Oh, you did _not_ just call me a crybaby! That's it! Miss, get in the armor." Al demanded.

"Ugh, fine! But if anything goes wrong, I'm blaming you two entirely!" she finally agreed.

* * *

After finally hunting down the so-called "Founder", Ed immediately began interrogating him.

"Alright, you! Give me the Philosopher's Stone!" he yelled, suddenly taking on an English accent (which sounded weird to everyone, including himself). The Founder person grinned.

"No! Not as long as I have your Defense against the Dark Arts teacher under my control!" he retorted, also faking an English accent.

"YOU LEAVE IZUMI-SENSEI OUT OF THIS!" Ed shouted back.

"We have a Defense against the Dark Arts teacher?" Al asked, roughly at the same time Ed had spoken.

"Seriously, though," Ed continued. "What's the point of making a new religion in the first place? The world has enough of those as it is."

"SIMPLE!" the old man shouted. "This way, I can have an army of loyal servants to do my bidding! I CAN FINALLY FULFILL MY LIFELONG DREAM OF FORCING EVERYONE TO HAVE A TEDDY BEAR COLLECTION!"

Edward gasped.

" _You fiend!_ " he shrieked. "How could you something so horrible as to make everyone see the cuteness of teddy bears?! And by making a new religion on top of it! YOU MUST PAY FOR THE SINS YOU HAVEN'T COMMITTED YET, TERRORIST!"

"Um, brother, I don't think teddy bears cause that much harm in the long run…"

"CRAM IT, TIN-HEAD! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PLUSH DOLLS!"

"And the best part of my plan," the old man continued, "is that no one will ever believe you, Fullmetal Necro-Witch! So my plan stays safe!" then he started laughing like a maniac.

"Unless, y'know, it turns out that one of your followers turns out to have been hiding in my suit this whole time, listening to you shout your master plan to the world." Al responded calmly. He would have grinned at this point if he had a proper mouth. "Oh, that's right! There _is_ one of your followers hiding in my suit!" he exclaimed as he opened up part of his armor to reveal Rose`, looking unrealistically traumatized given the situation. She quickly climbed out and Al put his armor back together.

"Founder, is this true?!" she demanded. "You told me that all plush dolls are evil, horrific creatures, and now you want all of us to _own_ them?!"

"WHY IS EVERYONE TAKING TEDDY BEARS SO SERIOUSLY?!" Al demanded, once again feeling like the only sane person in the universe.

"It seems you have left me with no choice, you underage horrors!" the old man exclaimed. "RELEASE THE KITTEN!"

The "kitten", as fate would have it, turned out to be a giant, hulky lion with half of its body resembling that of a lizard of some kind. Ed gave it a blank stare.

"And that is…?" he questioned.

"I just told you, it's a kitten," the old man replied.

"Kittens aren't half lizard," Al pointed out, "and they aren't nearly that huge, either."

"SILENCE!" the old man roared. "MITTENS, CUT HIM DOWN! KILL THE FULLMETAL NECRO-WITCH!"

"Why does _everyone_ want to kill me today?!" Ed complained. "And why am I suddenly a Necro-Witch?!"

"You named your pet chimera _Mittens?_ " Al asked, feeling more confused than anything. He wouldn't get an answer to that, though, because Mittens suddenly lunged at Ed, who managed to get out of the way with nothing but a scratch on his left leg. This newfound injury barely seemed to bother him, though, as he soon found himself smirking.

"That all you got, kitty? Come on, give it your best shot!" Ed taunted. Mittens lunged again and this time got his right arm. Ed's smirk increased in attitude in response. "Hah! You don't stand a chance! I earned my A-button mashing skills from playing too much _Star Fox: Adventures_! This ain't got _nothin'_ on the Test of Strength!"

"But, brother, video games don't exist yet…" Al pointed out.

"Shut up and let me have my glory."

The chimera then decided that if his opponent could beat the Test of Strength, then it clearly was no match for him. It withdrew its attack and wondered why he couldn't bite through his arm. Ed, on the other hand, was busy bemoaning his favorite coat, which now had its sleeve torn.

"Al, are you seeing this?!" he demanded. "My coat's all torn up! Now I have no choice but to get rid of it!"

"Just transmute it back to the way it was before, then!" Al replied.

"NO! It cannot be done! Plus, this gives me the chance to have one of those epic scenes when one of the characters throws their coat off in an epic fashion!" he explained. He then whipped off his coat in the most impressively epic way imaginable, revealing his entire right arm to be made of metal.

However, something seemed to be missing.

"Um, brother?"

"Yeah, Al?"

"Where'd your shirt go?"

There was a pause.

"…Whoops."

* * *

 **Author's Notes: At last, the first chapter is finished! I had way too much fun coming up with this. This is also the longest chapter I've written so far, taking up almost 9 pages on Microsoft Word. I hope you all had fun reading this! Feel free to leave a review, they are very much appreciated.**


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